I wrote a post a while back about dealing with your emotions. I said it was very important to acknowledge and feel your emotions and then let them go. I still feel this is true, but I had wondered if there might be deeper emotions that might not be so easy to deal with. Today I learned something about the deeper emotions that are hiding inside. Not the anger you feel when someone cuts you off, not the frustration you feel with your family members, this is the deepest kind of emotion…. grief.
I have been dealing with infertility and a pregnancy loss over the last 5 years or more. This has taken an emotional toll on me and I have been trying to find a balance in my emotions for years. This year I finally feel like I am healthier and more at peace and I’ve been able to take a negative pregnancy test without falling into the depths of despair.
I am doing well and dealing well. I am able to live and enjoy other parts of my life. I have been able to see the positives in my situation. I can finally say I am happy and actually mean it.
Today I discovered that even though I am feeling fine and am not upset, I may actually have emotions lingering within me. A few months ago I had discussed with my husband the possibility of something emotional preventing me from getting pregnant. I’ve wanted to deal with any old issues to make sure that’s not the case.
Today I went to my acupuncture appointment and while the needles were in, my naturopath talked me through a guided meditation to really take a look at my emotions. I discovered a soft sadness around my heart. I was kind of surprised, because I had not been feeling sad. As I started to talk about this soft sadness I started to sob. I hate crying. I have done too much of it. I am used to shedding a few tears during acupuncture, something about those needles and those energy channels just makes the emotions flow. But this was different, this was a sadness with no cause. It was just sad, it wasn’t sad because I lost a baby, it wasn’t sad because I haven’t been able to get pregnant again. It was just simply sad.
My naturopath asked me to go with it and follow it through, to let the emotion come forth. As she asked me questions about the sadness I discovered that this emotion just wanted to be heard. I had locked it up so deep inside me that I no longer even knew it was there. I couldn’t feel it, and so I could not let it go. Now that the sadness had been given the opportunity to be heard, it was not going to shut up! After much convulsing, shaking and sobbing, the little emotion that could, had finally said it’s piece and started to settle down a little. It settled on it’s own. I did not push it away, I just let it be. Emotions are like people, they just want to be heard, acknowledged. They do not want to be ignored, they do not want to be treated as if they don’t exist. They are part of you and you can’t push them away forever.
On my way home I thought about The Alchemist and had a little chat with my heart, I wanted to know if it will ever stop feeling sadness. I told it that I really don’t like feeling sad and I’ve had enough of it. It made no promises not to return, it simply said, I am here, pay attention and watch me, see what I am feeling. Don’t ignore me because you’re trying to be strong. You are strong. Being strong has noting to do with feelings. Feeling emotions does not make you weak, it makes you honest.
I do not want to be a sad person, I don’t want those around me to think of me that way. I don’t want to feel depressed and sorry for myself. I don’t want to be that person. What I realized today is that I am not that person. I am strong. I am happy. I am dealing with the life that I have been given and I am making the most of it. I can recognize my emotions, feel them and acknowledge them without falling into the depression that once ruled my life. I do not have to push my emotions away to remain strong. I can notice my sadness and let my heart cry and still be a strong woman in charge of my life and happiness.
I hope that this post is helpful to someone. I hope that my understanding of my experience is wise. I am interested to see what lies further on my path and how emotions play a role in my health. I am grateful that I have a naturopath that I feel comfortable enough with to navigate emotions with. She is a strong and intuitive woman and her care for me will be something that I am forever grateful for.